i got drunk and went crazy tonight. that boy that likes my friend... i definitely walked in on them in the bathroom, him with pants down and thats all i saw. i flipped out and yelled "you guys are fucked up" and drove away. i came back to get my friend greg to take him home and before i knew it star was grabbing my shoulders, shaking me and crying, saying that nothing happened because i was her best fucking friend and she would not lose me as a friend. however, i do know what i saw, and maybe there was more to it than that, but im not fucking blind. this is the reason i hate girls. i dont even know what to believe. i do know that i should probably not drink anymore for a while because i have never gotten this upset while drunk before. fuck.

and it does. i feel like things this awful should not happen to a person more than once in a lifetime. apparently thats not the case though, because this is the second time in a span of maybe a year and a half, tops, that a boy that i really really like, has decided to sleep with me and tell me that he really cares about me but he cant be with me because one of us is leaving soon, therefore he cant give me what i need. then he decides to drop the bomb that hes interested in one of my best friends. what could possibly be so wrong with me that they all have to turn to my friends, people that i introduce them to, instead of liking me? i dont know but im done with guys and i absolutely fucking hate having girl friends because theyre always fucking gorgeous and clearly way prettier/funnier/smarter/cooler/some other adjective that is good, than i am. story of my life. every. fucking. time. i fall for someone this hard.

friday night was spent driving around martinsville and henry county blasting fall out boy with three of my best friends. it wasnt the most exciting time in the world but its nights like those that i live for. i miss the days when everything was so simple and i was always around the friends that know almost everything about me. once we got home, jay, brittany, and i laid in bed just talking about the most random things in the world... granted, britt and jay were both high, but it was still nice.
i hate the fact that even though i know good and well that im over jay and im pretty sure that i couldnt/wouldnt want to be with him, anytime we're around each other, we still have that chemistry and familiarity. it makes me miss him so bad and i know it couldnt possibly be healthy.

in other news, i finally found not one, but two jobs, and so im going to be the busiest girl in the whole history of the world. working more than 40 hours a week is going to be insane.

"To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all."
-Oscar Wilde

i ran across this quote and it makes me think so much. i think that, especially at this time in my life, i merely exist and that makes me so sad. i am currently the most pathetic, unproductive person in the world... i dont go to school, i dont have a job, so i sleep all day, stay up all night, then read and watch bad tv when i am awake. that is not living; its merely an existence. i want to live. i want to have intelligent, witty friends that care about more in life than drinking and smoking weed. while i must admit that i do enjoy both of those things, the latter only occasionally, theres got to be more to life than that. i want to discuss books and philosophy and be spontaneous and more than anything i want to love myself. i could sit here and name a million things about myself that im unhappy about and then list maybe three things that i like about myself, and i hate that. sadly enough, as much as i hate it, i have absolutely no motivation to do anything about it. i think i need therapy.

i miss my friends so much. all of my favorite people in the world that i love so much are in harrisonburg. brittany, my best friend in the entire world since we were four. erika, probably my favorite girl that i met at school, who i can just act stupid with. scotty, my best guy friend who gives me advice about boys, listens when i need it, and hugs me just because. mike, the boy that had sooo much potential at the end of last semester, who i drunkenly kissed on the cheek and probably gave it away that i liked him.

i just want to have a good cry, but i cant seem to gather up enough emotion to make it happen. everything is pushed way too far down for me to get to it.

i'm 19. i live on a lake in a tiny, beautiful town in virginia. i am a recent college dropout due to bad grades and a bad money situation. it's so hard to get used to being back at home after three semesters and so many drunken nights with people who have become my best friends. i miss them, more than anything. however, i am starting to see that maybe college just isn't right for me right now but dammit i am missing the college life. i love the beach, tattoos, cigarettes, boys who are all wrong for me, hip hop music, drinking 40s, chillin with my favorite guys, goin out with my best girls, reading, long drives with the windows down and the music up, random spontaneous roadtrips, box wine, being silly, long talks, stars, meeting new people, sweet tea, being happy, green eyes, and holding hands. i hate racism, ignorance, arrogance, and guys that try to holla knowin they have a girl.



haha that's me with way too much makeup, and my old roommate on the left looking at me like i'm insane.



one of my old roommates on the left and me on the right, drunk at a football game.



me and my best friend in the entire world.



me with all three of my old roommates.



me and my favorite girl from school.



JMU football team... the loves of my life.



me and my favorite girl again.



me and one of the fellas.